Yesterday and today, 46 classmates and I acted as guinea pigs for a seminar called Eyes Wide Opened which helped us to think creatively about our skills and networks. There was a lot of information regarding our professional networks and how to use them to our advantage. We also spent a considerable amount of time developing a landscape, or visual, that detailed our skills, motivations and aspirations. In all, it was really interesting to see our thought process drawn on paper. I really must say that I learned much more than I expected.
Today, however, we had a workshop presented by Dick Mullender who is a hostage and crisis negotiator. This man is someone who would get sent in and literally talk people off a ledge. I'm sorry for the use of the word, but he is quite literally a badass. I mean... he can read you like an open book in 30 seconds, and you won't even know it. During today's workshop, he taught us three things that are key to being a good listener and earning someone's trust. We spent some time practising these and I feel like my life has been changed. (That may sound dramatic, but I cannot believe just how much of a breakthrough this was for me).
First, Dick said that being a good listener included a lot of "taking your turn." For example, if someone is talking to you, this might mean nodding occasionally, reacting to their words, saying things like "Oh, really?" or "and then?" He did mention to never say "okay" as that tends to be a conversation stopper. If someone says to you "I went to the store today and it was crazy," then you might reply "and then?" They would then be required to answer you and elaborate.
Secondly, Dick encouraged us to echo the most important part of a person's last sentence. So, if someone says to you "I really want to go to the movies, but I have a ridiculous amount of work to do," then you might say "ridiculous?" or even "work?" This will force people to keep talking, and often, they will offer up more information that will help you to get to know them on a deeper level. They would also explain what exactly a ridiculous amount of work is or what type of work they need to complete.
Lastly, Dick emphasized how important it is to portray your impression of the information you are given. For instance, if someone says "I'd love to go on holiday, but I just can't leave work," you might respond "I get the impression that your work is stressful." If you are correct, they will likely elaborate. If your guess is wrong, they will correct you. Either way, they are encouraged to keep talking. If that person were to say "yes, it's stressful, and I feel like work keeps piling up ever since we got a new account and started working on a new business pitch," then you might expand by saying "It seems to me like you have your plate full." Even though you essentially just repeated what they said, you are listing the information how it appears to you, which is less offensive. (It seems to me like..., I get the sense that..., etc.)
When combined, these three things will turn you into a grade A listener. We did this exercise in today's workshop and I cannot believe just how much I learned about my friend Jeremy by simply asking him what he spends his time doing, where he would go on holiday, and what his family is like. Not only are your questions designed to encourage the flow of information, it also helps you get a sense of a person's values. If you can identify yourself with someone's values, and they can identify with yours, then you become a more effective leader or motivator.
To close out... I will leave you with this quote from Dick:
"The difference between manipulation and influence is ethics."
Stew on that for a while.
Try it out at your next social gathering, and let me know how it goes! I basically begged this man to write a book, and if one is ever published, you can bet I'm going to buy it. Immediately.
